Confessions of "Two weeks ago"

it's your pain, not mine. I had my share. that's what I learnt today.
or perhaps came to understand. for God is fair, no one should carry someone else's burden. Sharing is good when God dooms it so, otherwise it is a waste of life or a dead cause.
it's not because things sound good or have a good connotation that they r necessarily good.

However, bad things are bluntly always bad. A small bad thing, by time is a huge bad thing, so don't give bad things the time to grow.
of course, what I say is easy to say from perspective. It is perhaps hardly lived but it is avoidable and that is the whole point. As long as we can stop the harmth, it is good to rush the action.

Nonetheless empaphy is a burden! Once felt it triggers the need to share...God holds the keys to everyone's burdens. God decides of every one's empathies. Blessed they who feel no sympathy, perhaps. Twice as blessed r those who could show some.
Free and selfless kindness is not a given!

When unsure, look for the truth...it is always there, you might see it as you might not!

May the Lord bless us all...and lighten un our ways!

Ameen!

My definition of a friend

A friend is someone who is not part of your daily life.
Your daily life friends have names: they are your parents, or your sister/ brother/ cousin or neigbbour or co-worker, or classmate, husband, wife, son or daughter.
Your friend is the one you get to see/meet out of your daily routine; the one you escape to when you are bored with your monotone random habits.
A friend is eventually a spaceless being you can reach to wherever you are.
A friend is also a timeless being to whom your can reach whenever you want to. Through thinking, talking, or just imagining, your friend is always there.

Last, but not least...a friend....is someone who.....simply....cares....(always)!!!!!!

Three months to die

Date: February 16th, 2008
Place: My desk
Time: 17:28:47

TOP CHRONO!




Here we go. I have decided to fight it for the upcoming three months. That's the deadline I set. That's what I've been dreading for a few years.
Now, I am facing it. It has to end. I need to be in a new or old but definitely a different world.

How did I lose her???

We were so close. I recall. I used to function together and I failed her one day. I don't seem to remember when that occurred. It doesn't matter. She faded away. I missed her since.
she was Elitist. She was perfection on two legs. She wouldn't give a draft. She would always hand the final complete version.
She was restless. she was sharp, yet humble. She still is.
Perhaps, that is what remains of her...
Today, she is resurrecting. Enough burying me alive she said.
I have to let her in again for without her I am not...

Myself, how I miss you.
I can't recall when I lost you but I am glad to have found you again.
It's weird. Absence changes us. It changes even our inner selves and on ne se reconnait plus.
But, we can work it out. For, you are me and I am you. We are bond to match. It's when we mismatch that we live hell.

So what?!! I don't belong here. Perhaps, here does not belong to me. Why do I have to bend to it?. Why wouldn't it suit me? I can make it do so. I have the tools. I got the power! But is it worthy...

Perhaps, we just belong together. We just keep ignoring it for change is dreadful. For adapting is consuming. Though, it is all worth a try.

Her life was never mundane. She always had high expectations...of herself. The impossible was not her solution set. She always saw through things. She always believed that what the brain could reach, existed, regardless of whether the eye could see, or the ear would hear, or the hand would touch. Our senses and our thoughts are separate entities.

Plus, she was his daughter.
He was everything but ordinary. He would always surprise his relatives and friends and coworkers and neighbours. He was very creative. He's learned from the school of life. Experience was his knowledgeable science of action.
He was the salt that gives taste to the life of those who loved him.
When he s not there. You easily sense the bitterness. and She was a feminine version of him. She was the sunshine that brightens her people's worlds. When she's not there, it's cloudy. It also rains when she hides away...and she did it quite often, recently. She hates it though. But we are all seasons. Sometimes we cry, sometimes we are dry, sometimes we are bright, sometimes we are fresh and sometimes we are not there...

So, she is back for three months, she said. Already back and heading to setting her deadlines and plans. It is not impossible, you know. Three months are enough of a lifetime to prosper and fulfill what three years wouldn't perhaps reach.
You are racing time and you better be smart for time knows where it's running and you do not. Time is lost when you limit it. Time is controlled when you attend the limit. You want to defeat it, you fail. You want to befriend it, you gain. Even an idiot would know what to choose except for suicidals, perhaps.

So, how does it work, I asked.
As time is rushing...Abstraction is the key. Focus is the process and action is the tool. Will is the fuel and brain is the engine.
You have your schema. Now let's work on it.
I smiled to hearing "let's"....She smiled back "you are not doing it alone this time". We are here.

Workaholic is our next position for the upcoming three months before you rest in peace. You know I don't rest, she added. I vanish or disappear when not satisfied. I can't promise to get back again for, where I come from is far and deep. Resurfacing requires divine energy and takes profound human strengths. Please, don't fail me this time. I will not say "again" for everything, even repetitive things are unique. At least they occur on their own time. So it is never again, "again" and we both smiled.

Here is the plan:

Abstraction: live in their world but only see yours. It is not selfish to coexist.
Live, underlines interaction. See underlines selection...for you can always close your eyes, thus not see! also you may pretend to...

Focus: avoid the enemy: distraction. For that, know well your enemy and shield away from it. It could be your friend, your worse enemy. That might hurt, but Time survives injuries. Befriend time and all your enemies fear you. Befriend time and you shall never lose a friend.


Her standards were so high that they seemed unreachable for the simpletons...Glory was her natural reward. Truth was her aim. Wisdom’s her eternal quest and mostly, justice’s her spleen of life.
Lies do not break her. Failure does not damage her, Silliness does not shame her but unfairness wounds her, might even extinguish her.
Therefore guilt would consume her alive and that's why she adopted rectitude and honesty as her communication tools. To truly hurt you is better than to falsely save you, she believed.

Life, the purpose of her life was not to exist or to prosper. she rather wanted achieving peace...peace of mind and a third gram of the wisdom divine...

(To be continued)

D.A

O I love him!

On se connait depuis 16 ans!!! deja!!!
Que le temps passe vite.
There are people we just can't help but love for what they are.
I have a dear friend, whom I love very much and beg of God to keep us in touch until our last days on earth. I admire this person. I highly respect my friend.
I am simply honored to be his friend.
He is so humble, noble and graceful. Plus, very smart, well mannered and highly educated.
What I like the most about him is his selfless kindness and his insightful wisdom.
He is one of the rare people, I would blindly follow.
He is a rare kind of person. I wish the world had more of him.
A good man is not a given.
My friend is a good man.
No wonder healing people is his discipline... :)

I donno if I would envy, she, who would get to his heart, or love her even more.
:)

Voila, une petite pensee a toi mon ami tres cher. Que Dieu te benit et te garde toujours.

Sincerement,
ton amie depuis un siecle

moi **)

My words

I sometimes like to invent words. I find that some words do not fully express what I intend. Learning many languages leads one to confusion, I swear m(-_-)m.

So, in my Dictionary today, I would like to add:
Directitude (n) and Solutionary (adj).


...

Life is like a text book

"Life is like a text book", he said..."It has an introduction and a conclusion", I thought. "Let's make of reading it an enjoyable experience", I told myself.
"Each new page we turn brings new events, some of them we expected, and some of them are part of the unknown. The past is the pages we read. We can still read through them. The future is the page we turn. The present is the page we are reading. We discover it bit by bit. ", I pondered.
"No body really knows the future but the writer of the book. We don’t get to write the life textbook but we get to play a role. Let's each then be the hero/heroine of our own stories...", I wondered.

That is what I learnt today.

In fact, I like reading. However, it never occured to me before that I could read my own textbook, too!! All these characters I've known...and never thought I could be one too.
After all, we all get a life. To be its hero is not given to every one. It's more the choice of some ones.

In the end, it does not really matter to be the hero (though perhaps preferable) as much as it matters to have a good reading.

"Meeting you is a miracle"

Today, I think I heard the most humble compliment of my life from my lab-mate.
Never, ever, did I think or even expect to hear such a sweet yet deep thing from someone here…
“It’s a miracle to meet you, you know”he said. "There are 6 billion people on Earth; we are from two different worlds and we get to meet. So keeping in touch with you is important for it is very unique for us to meet. There is some kind of wisdom, sometimes, behind meeting some special people. And meeting you is precious: we can learn from one another s different life experiences. I value that. It is not everyday I get to meet people from your end. It is not everyday you get to meet people from a world that is not yours.", he explained.

Hearing such words was enlightening. It made me realize how grateful I am to my Lord for giving me this opportunity to travel the world and get to know certain individuals that I might have never encountered had I led an ordinary living…It also made me value every single person I came across in my life. The fact that we had to meet up, the simple fact that we were destined to cross ways, is enough reason to consider these people, indeed special or precious...and to ponder about it!!

Well, we might keep in touch. We might not. But, in my mind, you shall always exist.

Hana…

I was sitting. He came to me and politely asked me to talk to her.
I go to talk to her. But she ends up talking to me.
The first and best time in my life, I get to learn about gems.
The whole subject was brought up when she asked for my name.
For the first time, I learn how rare and valuable mom’s choice was.
So, thank you mama for calling me after pure rare pearls.
As explained by Hana, pure gems are the highest ranked jewel in the scale of diamonds set..
Yes, proud, I am. Not of my name (though I could) but of my Mom.
I love you mama. You too, your name is very suitable for you.

“Hana”, a Japanese flower and an Arabic bliss, was a memorable encounter.
She smelled nice. She made me happy.

The best to come, she is touring the world.

Have safe trips “Hana”.

I want some peace of mind

I do. I desperately do...
Yesterday, a friend of mine was saying "You think too much". True. Very true and I am tired of thinking. I have so many things in mind to handle that I just can't focus anymore. Or perhaps I could but for a very short while then confusion takes over the control. Sometimes we get a bunch of things to prioritize and somehow they all seem equally important...That's when the brain gets tired.
The only time, I actually don't think is when I am with my friends or just surrounded by people. I melt in the crowds and pretend I am fine.
Surely I am fine until I am alone and have to think again.
Sometimes, I would like to seek some friend's advice. Or just seek a friendly ear. But I am too proud to ask. Or I would ask but never really reveal what troubeling me is. That's when tears come handy. They are the silent words I couldn't voice out. I let then run in tears. When I cry, I don't cry because I feel bad or weak. I cry words that cannot come out.
I just wish I could control my worries. i sometimes hope I could be brainless or thoughtless to stop considering every detail.

Anyway, I just need some peace of mind. So, I go play darts when I don't want to think. May be I should have a darts board on my screen. I am just kidding.
My point is that the only time I don't really think at all is when I play. I care less about winning or losing though I am good at rising the challenges. I just wish I could deal in the same way with my problems. Why can't I care less...
Perhaps, because they matter.
We can rematch a game but we can't really rematch one's life.
Well, at least I am now glad that if I think too much, it is perhaps that what I am thinking about really matters...In a positive way, it is good to have more than one thing to worry/care about....

Ok. I gotta stop now. I feel pain everywhere. It was snowing yesterday and my bike slipped and my whole body hit the ground. It was so funny when it happened. I always take shocking news with humor...However the following morning, things're not really funny anymore for the pain resurrects or persists. I would handle the pain but because my brain never stops thinking, the pain seems exponential...Well, surely, our nerves are connected :). What was I thinking!

It's good to write out on this blog. I feel somne peace of mind now.

Thanks for reading or for stopping by.

A+

kins come first

When I lost my dad, I realised that the most valuable thing in living life is to share it with those we endear the most.
That was like a turning point in my life cause it somehow messed up all my plans...
Now, I don't plan..I just live each day as it comes. trying to figure it out bit by bit.
Perhaps not the best approach there is. But it suits my current situation.
That led me to change my attitude towards life. Obviously.
So, one day, in May, my cancer-ed Japanese mother invited me to spend the whole Sunday with her. To my misfortune, an influential figure on my current life status aka My PhD Advisor has asked me to meet and discuss on Sunday. My mom's RDV was settled weeks earlier. His invitation was Saturday, the eve of the infamous Sunday. Advisers are Gods in the land of the PhD world.
Or so they think, and we are recommended to think so, otherwise, complications might occur.

To avoid.

Hence, my Influential figure request was plainly a form of polite order in disguise.
Badly, I am still living according to my turning point. so I said, I can't on Sunday. I have promised to visit my Mom. She is sick. I don't know when I might lose her.
That was quite a shock to my Almighty. Of course, due to the excuse, he could not but accept my apology. However, for the following months, thus until August, He made me pay the price of my audacious rebellion, or shall I say the price of my non obedience. That came to end, when in August I learnt that I lost my mamachan. As much as it hurt me, as much as I felt grateful I made it that Sunday. Because, it was the last time I ever saw her. Before I saw her again lifeless this time, lying in her goodbye bed...
I was grateful to my decision to prioritize meeting her over...my Carrier.

We live everyday but we die one day.
Does it sound the other way around in the Deadland? Do they perceive the existence as: We are dead everyday and we lived one day...Notice, I couldn't say "we die everyday", I couldn't conjugate live in the present either.
Quite interesting. But I can't explain it.

Anyway, that was hors-sujet.

Back to my point. My turning point :).
Life or Death or God has its unique ways to surprise us. I explain. If it is life that is doing so, it has its way to bring unexpected events. If it's Death, it has its ways to haunt us and if it is God, He has his secret wisdom to trigger life and death processes....
So, four months after my mamachan has passed away, my papachan, her husband, gets cancer too. He calls me and lets me know.
Me: blunt.
Nonetheless, I know that as long as I got time, I am so spending it with him. I'll share whatever billions of seconds left for both of us to live, together. For, once a kin or a friend is gone....billions of things one wished to say or do surface afterwards....Sometimes that is a virtual torture.

Do it while you can!
Be there for your friends, if not for them, for yourself.
Annoy your friends with your love for they might go or you might go as well.
Someone has to watch time from above. someone has to see the whole picture.
So when you get involved in the details, let a good friend guide you to that whole picture. When you drawn in the general frame and you seem to miss the details, let a good friend navigate you through them.
One might feel bothered..but it is worth the try.

I never regretted having said I can't come this Sunday, though it bothered me soooo much that I couldn't.

Self-esteem

"I am the X of F", she said. F, being one of my friends.

So, here goes the story:

I met the x of one of my friends in the convenient store near my house, the other day. I, barely, recognized the person, because we never really spoke. My friend never really made the proper introductions. Perhaps, it was not important for us to know each other. Yet, when faces meet, eyes are like "I know you from somewhere"...

I am not good at remembering names but I am good at registering faces. I am good with pictures, yet they have to impact on me for me to save them. That is, a face has to be special! By special, I mean, I can see the person's soul out of it. So, if I don't remeber your face, I am sorry, but that is most probably because there has been no cerebral communication between us. It does not have to be a verbal communication. Sometimes eyes talk better than tongues. Sometimes silence says about one more than voice would.

The friend I am talking about, actually, is good at communicating with eyes. My friend is also great in silence. I could sometimes listen to his silent words and find kindness in them more than in his spoken expressions.

So, back to the main topic. When I saw that person, I didnot remember her face but I remembered a common expression that somehow is imprinted on her face: WORRY!
I don't know if it is just me, but this person seems always worried. I think, I was about to ask "Are you ok?" when it hit me!!!! Oh! I've seen this face before!

The funny part was, as she spoke, I could finally tell why she always had and most probably why she'd always have that weird lost face! ...

I say funny, because that is my only humble way to be sorry for someone!



And by the way, I am gaijin.in.nihon.
Nice to meet you.




********** **********

What I meant is the following:

I find it desolating to refer to one's self via someone else's. We usually like to refer to someone we are proud of or who is proud of us...

Saying "I am x" is not like saying "I am x the friend of Y", or like "I am x the daughter/son of W" or like "I am the x of Y".

The way we refer to ourselves, tells a lot about us, more than that we would say, sometimes...

So, ...my humble advice to my humble readers :) ::

Watch out the next time you introduce yourself to someone you know or don't know. The impact of a first introduction might last forever.
As like any introduction, actually, in the books, in papers or in our school essays, etc. people might forget what one would have said but not the impact of a first encounter with what one has just said.